


Forget for Me

by janazza



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alcohol, Character Analysis, Childhood, Clueless Hide, Clueless intimacy, Flashbacks, Friendship, Growing Up, Hide is normal af, M/M, Reflection, Secrets, i enjoyed writing this way too much, just go with it, mention of suicide, now if only i put this much effort in schoolwork, overdtailed on minor things, tons of overthinking and highschool english symbolism, very brief - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:25:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6594670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janazza/pseuds/janazza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the shy boy back in grade school to V14, Hide watched his friend fall apart only to pick himself up again and again. Sometimes it took an extra hand to get back up.</p><p>The story of two boys' childhood to the day they were permanently separated from Hide's point of view. Involves flashbacks, clueless boys, tested friendship, and promises kept to the very end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forget for Me

**Author's Note:**

> Minor warnings: covers abuse and perceptions of death in the point of view of a child. Nothing is meant to be insincere and all is kept brief. 
> 
> The plot is also jumpy. Keep an open mind and enjoy.
> 
> Please leave a review/comment!

He never liked hospitals, hated the smell of antiseptics and the dying, the blaring lights that showed every flaw in his skin or the reddened rim around his eyes. He begged to leave, to escape the pity in the patients' and doctors' eyes, yet mom held him there. The last time he sat beside a hospital bed had been his grandmother's, a woman who held on until everyone could finish their goodbyes. He remembered how his mother, his grandmother's child, kissed the elder's temples before trying to take Hide's hand. He was too scared to touch her, afraid the veins in the back of her hand would burst at the smallest provocation, afraid of the death in her swollen eyes, or maybe his grandmother's acceptance to death. Mother said she went to heaven, but Hide only saw her body placed in the ground the next day.

"But Heaven's the other way," he thought aloud. His mother, young yet stoic, answered with little to no quiver in her voice.

"You have to sleep first before going to heaven." He never discovered where her strength came from while he backed away scared of those broken eyes.

This time, however, he would sit beside his family member's bed and hold their hand, giving gentle squeezes to reassure himself rather than the sleeping patient just as his mother once did. No matter how cliche it sounded, it all felt like a dream that he prayed to wake up from. When he opened his eyes, morning's light would replace the condemning hospital lights and those dark eyes would be staring back at his still bleary from sleep. The two would bask in one another's presence, thankful for the dream to only be that: a dream.

Of course, Hide was never that lucky.

After everything he'd done with those hours promising, planning, betting, praying, dealing, and trembling in anticipation to get him back his most cherished person, Hide still lost.

* * *

His tenth birthday was his favorite for many reasons: his dad came home the week before from business, mom made his favorite cake with butter cream frosting, several kids from school came bearing gifts just for him. But in particular, one member stood out among the others. Funny how even back then he knew just how close he and the boy would become, knew they'd be best friends with secret handshakes favorite places to share. Kaneki arrived by himself as usual. If Hide hadn't known the boy so well, he would have missed the _very_ faint knock on the front door. And unlike some of other students' gifts, it was wrapped in newspaper, and without even opening it, Hide knew gift from its shape.

And he still loved Ken's gift the most. Though some kids' stared in confusion ("Why would you give him a book?"), Hide defended his friend by grinning ear to ear, standing up and hugging Ken. Among the shark tooth necklace from one kid's tickets to the car races, Hide loved the books from Kaneki. One was on the basics of the English language while another covered Western landmarks, like the Statue of Liberty and Niagara Falls. Only a year before Hide told his friend his fascination with the Western world, with America and the "Land of the Free" as some would call it. His father said the plains looked like gold in the late summer when he visited as a young boy. Rivers and creeks stretched and spread out for miles on end beside fence lines. There cities weren't necessarily tall, they simply grew out rather than up that it made Mr. Nagachika feel small but significant to the cities' flow ("Does the Golden Gate Bridge really have golden gates?"; "No, that's the strait. The whole thing is red"; "Oh").

When all the other children left, Hide and Ken spent the rest of the evening in Hide's bedroom. Ken read him facts while Hide drew absently of their adventures to America one day ("We could climb Mount Rushmore!"; "I think that's illegal"; "Just forget to turn me in, won't you?"). A drawing from that night, the mess of yellows and oranges bleeding in the blue ocean as the sun set behind a towering bridge linking coast to coast still hung in Mrs. Nagachika's fridge years later.

At the time, it was peaceful with just two kids enjoying the other's company, two who were comfortable in silence and knew very little of the outside world or the scars it would one day inflict. They could pretend the night would last forever as long as they stayed awake with their childish logic. Only behind those four walls did Hide hear Ken's full, ugly laugh, the kind that snuck up from the back of the throat and would wake the house. And the two giggled hours after thinking themselves clever. Two boys played truth or dare, made midnight snacks with any and all leftovers between slices of bread, and practiced the lines to their play obnoxiously loud for the neighbors to hear without any care for the possible consequences because they believed those four walls would hold forever (except when it came to Mrs. Nagachika).

As the night grew longer, laying his head on ken's stomach, Hide pointed at the different posters on his ceilings of different monuments and sights he planned to visit while Ken brought up different facts about their structure and culture.

"You'll be there with me, right, Kaneki?"

"Maybe, someday."

For the moment, nothing had to exist outside the four walls.

* * *

When it finally came to the Anteiku Raid, it took everything he had not to grimace. No longer was there fat in lightly flushed cheeks but in its place a hollowness in grey that greatly contrasted with the stains on his uniform, the scarlet dripping from his stomach. Hair greasy and white rather than soft and plush black. And the blood beneath his nails . . .

The Raid on the warehouses Aogiri held up at became big talk around the CCG. All had heard about the buckets and buckets of appendages, some still holding a faint warmth to only bones as rats had ate off the flesh. All had coiled back at the knowledge of all the fingers and toes matching the same ghoul as the DNA found on the bolt cutters. The remnants of a chair in which a ghoul must have been tied down to held the in its etchings the same blood. When they identified Oomori Yakumo, the Thirteenth Ward's Jason, the CCG were able to match the torture method to the scene. The only thing it lacked was the Mukade, the red-headed giant centipede. Some of the younger members speculated the Mukade must still be in the tortured ghoul's head.

Hide left quickly that day with knots in his stomach, dreading who the may have been one of those victims.

* * *

There came a sudden shift in his friend's mood not soon after the birthday party. Of course, Hide didn't blame Ken when he pulled away from everyone, including him. After all, Ms. Kaneki was a kind, beautiful woman when Hide met her on those few occasions. Hide and Ken often played in the Nagachika household or at the park, as Ms. Kaneki worked and would ask them to be quiet.

Though Hide couldn't attend the funeral, he waited for Ken to come home, helping him gather his things so he can move in with his aunt. Kaneki said nothing, hardly acknowledge Hideyoshi's existence. They gathered boxes, Ken carefully labeling the sides, his father's books taking one box, another were his mother's, more were of trinkets and past gifts he gained over the year's from Hide. They worked in silence, one more tense than those nights they spent in Hide's room or in the park where silence meant content. This one demanded attention, screamed to be noticed, but Hide had no words.

After all their hard work, Kaneki's aunt only sold his and his mother's things by the box. The fine china set his Kaneki's grandmother had handed down went first, then went any silver to pawn shops. Anything from Ms. Kaneki's jewelry box made its way around the aunt's wrist and fingers. A gold chain at her throat held in place a golden tree just beneath her collarbone. Kaneki's hands shook as he watched that woman give his father's books to the closest bookstore. Beside him, Hide could only watch, whispering false optimism while everything Kaneki found familiar be sold on the street he would have to call home for the next few years.

And then there was a lull. Ken became more and more difficult to find between classes and after school. Plus, Ken's aunt wouldn't open the door to him either, assuming Hide to be a "punk." They weren't wrong as anyone who saw his track record would know, but it sure as hell didn't help. He especially didn't like how Kaneki wouldn't look at him during classes. With assigned seating, Ken most often sat a few rows ahead of him or at least off to the side. But no matter how many times he whispered for his friend, called his name, sent paper airplanes (which led to detentions), nothing grabbed Ken's attention. He never reacted.

This is why Hide stood once more in front of the Ken's apartment that he shared with his relatives, listening to Ken's cousin, Yuuichi, make up another excuse for why Ken could not _again_ come to the door.

"Yuuichi, just let me in. I need to see him."

"He's busy."

"Fifteen days in a row?"

The boy rolled his eyes. "Maybe he just doesn't want to see you, _Hideyoshi._ "

He ignored the urge to push him, to yell and run to Ken. He didn't have time for this. "Please, just let me in," he hissed between his teeth.

"Why?"

"He needs me," he explained urgently. "He shouldn't be alone. Please, Yuu, just, I need to make sure he's okay." His words came out rapidly. "You didn't see his eyes." If Yuuichi had seen the haunted look in that boy's eyes, they wouldn't be arguing. "I'm the only one who knows how to help him." The lifelessness of those eyes. "You don't know what Ms. Kaneki-"

Another voice echoed from down the hall of the apartment, one wet and shaky. "Hide?"

Hide hardly registered pushing Yuuichi away and moving in to the home before Kaneki came in his line of sight. He started, "Ken? Ken, I-" and choked back, halting only for a second at seeing his friend. "Oh, Ken."

He looked sick, but not in the sense of the flu. Rather, he held the complexion he remembered on his grandmother: his skin gleamed almost grey with the cruel purple beneath his eyes, which made the red rim just above them all the more stark. Mom called it "death warmed over." Though Kaneki preferred his clothes big, they engulfed him in his sickly state. So vulnerable. "Kenny." It would be many years later that Hide saw this same look.

Without even thinking, Hide stumbled forward and clasped his hands around the boy in an embrace.

He more of felt the choked sob against his shoulder than heard and felt a wave a relief. Ken is still here. Everything will be fine. He could fix this.

And then came the shove.

The blonde stumbled back and nearly into the wall. It wasn't necessarily a strong shove- just surprising. If Hide hadn't been so focused on the deathly figure before him, he would have missed the utterly broken, small voice.

"I just want to be alone."

Ken was never the same after his mother's death. Anyone who glanced his way, neighbors, teachers, friends, could see the difference. Ken became distant and far more reclusive. At one point, Hide assumed it was because of his aunt who on more than one occasion shouted over Yuuichi for Hide to leave. Never stopped him, of course, but it sure grew concerning with each colorful name. Threats spewed on occasion and the glares Yuuichi sent at Hide the next day at school meant there was more happened after Hide leaving each time.

Did she talk to Kaneki that way?

The silence between them rang loudly. Their homeroom teacher Mrs. Fujisaki more than once asked if they were fighting. As soon as school ended, Kaneki packed his things and made a bee-line for the door and towards home. Every time Hide tried to speak to him, the boy would dodge one way or another. When he asked his mother for advice, she only told him it would take time. "He's strong," she recalled. "He'll come back soon. He just needs time to think."

And so he waited with the patience that a ten year old could muster, the fidgety kind where the mind wandered too much and he himself took time to think. Hide thought of his own mother and what actions he would take if he lost her so young. Would he too be like Kaneki? Sickly silent, recluse, even distant from his best friend? To lose such an important person at such a young age, the only family that interacted with him on a daily basis- how does one walk away from that?

Maybe they could take a vacation, Hide thought dreamily, just the two of them visiting the Seven Wonders of the World, taking photos of sunsets over the ocean, sending post-cards to their classmates of the apparently-not-golden Golden Gate Bridge. Before his father corrected him, he imagined golden gates at the edge of the bridge, angel statues with trumpets, and the sun perfectly gleaming between the gate doors as they opened. Heavenly. From there hand-in-hand Kaneki and Hide would run through into the light and get lost in San Francisco. He grew so lost in his fantasies he hardly noticed the ruler that snapped on his desk.

But Kaneki curiously looked over to him that day. A small win.

Then one day, almost after a month of silence, Hide sat with his mother to dinner when the doorbell rung. At the door stood Kaneki Ken eye rimmed in red and lashes wet, but the tear tracks were wiped away. In an instant, Hide had half-dragged the boy to a seat in the kitchen with Mrs. Nagachika no where to be seen. As soon as the two sat, the dam Kaneki built fell and tears fell freely.

Hide remembered counting the seconds that past until Kaneki could speak. Two hundred twelve seconds. Three minutes and thirty-two seconds. And his first words were a broken "I'm sorry."

He still hiccuped between his sentences. "I'm so, so sorry."

"You don't have to apo-"

"I do. You didn't deserve that. I-just- you didn't deserve that."

Hide went to reach for his hand only for Kaneki to flinch back. The tensity ten-folded. "Can I talk for a moment? If you're willing to listen?" Hide asked. Once Ken nodded, he continued. "I'm not going to hold this, any of this-" he gestured to the air around them "- against you."

"Hide."

"Just hear me out." His tone remained soft, careful as if it was a cornered animal in front of him rather than his best friend. "This doesn't mean anything to our friendship. I mean, this doesn't change anything to the way I think or look at you, or anything between us. We stood by each other for long, I'm not going to let this stop me now." He smiled despite his conscious saying he should be taking this more seriously. "You'll have to try a lot harder to get rid of me."

At this Kaneki cried harder while Hide moved his chair closer and careful moved the boy's head to his shoulder and wrapped his arms around those shaking shoulders. "You're hurting, and I get that. But you have to let me in, okay?"

After a cough, just barely audible, Kaneki murmured, "Figuratively _and_ literally."

Before either one realized it, the tension of the room completely dissipated as the two burst in laughter. Hide stopped counting the passing time and instead focused on the disheveled hair that tickled his nose, the hot breath on his neck as Kaneki tried composing himself. At some point, Hide's hand had moved from around the boy to entwine with the other's hands. It wasn't until later in life that Hide realized how intimate that moment was, or the significance of him thinking those hands fit _so perfectly_ between his own.

"I wish you could forget," Kaneki mumbled, "what I did to you."

"I think I can. . . I want to make a deal with you." Warily, Kaneki sat up and look directly at Hide. "A promise to forget the other's wrongs. Forgive and forget." He looked down at their entwined hands. "I don't think I could handle losing you. You're my best friend."

"I . . . I don't think I could either."

He saw the light leave Ken's eyes as Hide pulled his hands away. "The let's be friends through thick and thin, okay?" He held out one hand this time with only his pink out.

Kaneki smiled and mimicked the gesture. "Okay." The linked their pinkies. "Forget for me."

* * *

Irony loves making it's presence known. At one time, if one was to ask his teachers, they would say Hide was a troublemaker who would put himself and those who loved in trouble. That being said, many described Kaneki as the one to go far, the one to work up to something great with his excellent grades and kindness. Though quiet, everyone expected only good from him.

The tables turned a little too quickly for Hide.

This time, however, Hide refused to leave the side of the bed, hands clasped with the sleeping patient. Those hands held more callouses than Hide remembered. Playing with the ridges of the man's bony knuckles, sometimes checking the bandages over their eyes, he did anything to fill the time that slowly dwindled. There was so much he still needed to say, so many apologies and promises, hopes and encouragements to pass on to give his friend something to hold on to. But the monitor only beeped rhythmically with Kaneki's breaths.

"I still don't fear ghouls, y'know," he said to himself and yanked lightly at the metal cuffs encircling the patient's bony wrist and bed post. Treating him like an animal . . . Kaneki would never hurt anyone if he didn't have to, not the Kaneki he knew, at least. But then again, a half-ghoul doesn't survive this long without being weary.

That was the funny part. It had been so long since speaking with his best friend. It all went down hill with a date gone wrong and a shady surgery. Ken's quietness was the same as when his mother died and Hide thought nothing of it. Stupid, so stupid. If only he had said something, stopped Ken from leaving. . .

Kaneki was just . . . gone. Vanished, but hardly anyone noticed. His professors asked yet did nothing about it. Hide doubted Ken's aunt even knew now that he was gone. None knew about the lack of food in Ken's apartment or about the layer of dust on the counters, on the picture frame of Hide and Ken at the beach as kids. That's why no one noticed how all of Ken's things somehow made it to Hide's room instead, just in case. No one asked why Nagachika stopped going to parties or why he spent all his free time going through Kaneki's books in hopes his friend left a clue to his whereabouts. His friend wouldn't leave him without some way to find him, right?

Unless the CCG had him, or maybe Kanou took him back. And that is when Hide's adventure began, plotting how to get into the CCG where only a few eyes would follow him. It wasn't anything like the spy movies he forced Kaneki to watch with him. Months in and nothing budged. His routine continued: greeting the few members, observing over their shoulders for anything, making small talk in hopes something will slip - Takizawa tended to share unnecessary information, but at least he now understood the different rankings for investigators (and how to piss Amon, but that was less useful). And when he placed himself as close as he could get, it still took even more months before getting his first lead.

And what he learnt left him sick.

* * *

Never would he forget the peaceful nights in the park a block away from his home. His mother occasionally caught them and warned them of the strangers in the night. Of course, that only lead to Hide becoming even sneakier. He learnt to leave his window open ahead of time and the best way to down from the fire escape with the least amount of creaks. He also learnt to become more convincing since Ken refrained from getting in trouble, especially after his aunt caught him sneaking back in a year back. They stopped for a while until Hide promised to take all the blame. Though he doubted Kaneki believed him, he agreed to try again.

With a few careful steps and words and false "good nights," the two made their way to a spot in the middle of the park on top of a round, hemisphere-shaped statue, laying down and resting their heads in their hands. If only mom saw them, she would throw a fit.

Especially since he carried a bottled in a paper bag.

"You're kidding, right? What if your mom finds out?"

"Then I beg to keep my nuts. But Kimizuki said he was drinking with his friend the other day. If he's doing it, why can't way."

"I hope you don't use that logic ever again."

"'Shame."

But he enjoyed his time with Ken where he could find it, as these moments grew fewer except in the summers. Ken had grown quieter in the past months, and it seemed Hide would have to keep an eye out for any bullies again. At least while together no one would touch them.

Pulling the bottle from the bag, Hide pulled out his multi-tool pocket knife his father gave him as a sign of "becoming a man" and popped off the lid with shaky hands from excitement. At age thirteen and pimply, Hide grew more daring as much as Ken became awkward. At the time, Ken was frustratingly taller that his friend just by a hair (and just a hair, Hide furiously repeated to himself). Thus, Hide found his own way to stand out from Ken. If he couldn't keep up academically or growth-wise, Hide would excel in experience. He read the label aloud, "'Fireball.'"

"What kind of name is that?"

"The good kind," the blonde giggled before tipping the bottle for his first and ultimately last sip for the evening. Ken hadn't thought Hide could move so fast, _or spit so far_. The instant it touched his tongue, he gagged and nearly hurled on himself. The only that he knew he wasn't dead was the snort of laughter beside him. "U-oh, shut up!"

The boy only laughed harder. "Serves you right."

"Why does Kimizuki's uncle talk about this stuff like it's good? Water," he panted with his tongue out. "I need water."

From behind his hand, Kaneki continued to smile and finally relaxed back onto the structure. "I have no sympathy for you." Though Hide mumbled something beneath his breath, Ken didn't react and instead focused on the stars, identifying different constellations, searching for shapes. In moments such as these, all the muscles in his face would slack, the tension around his mouth gone except for a small smile. He'd close his eyes and inhale deeply, and only in these moments, when it's just them in this secret place, did Kaneki look so relaxed.

But in his time of boyhood, Hide didn't relish those moments as he should. Those smile came far and in between. "A ghoul would bite that smile off your face, y'know."

"Gross, Hide, don't say things like that." And like that, the smile became grim with an uncomfortable silence around them. Yah, Hide had started to do that, not that he was proud of it. Sometimes venomous words spout from his mouth before filtering in that frustrating, childish way. He never meant it, of course, but that didn't stop it from hurting.

"Kaneki? You're pulling that face again." When he only received silence, Hide added, "I'm sorry."

"It. . . It's not you."

Ah, it was another overthinking moment. "What's wrong?" Once more, silence."

"Just thinking. . ." Next came yet another pregnant pause that Hide simply had to accept. Kaneki always recirculated his words in his mind, making sure he said the right things. "D-did you hear about that girl? The waitress?"

Once upon a time, Ken hated making noise to the point his classmates assumed him mute before Hide joined. Whether he had a question, an opinion, or a laugh, Ken quickly stifled it and would eye the room like a cornered animal, searching out every face and every escape route. Hide once asked his friend why he was so quiet, which the said boy simply explained he didn't want to anger anyone. Of course, being friends with Hide fixed the problem, but it took time. Hide would swear to his mother that there were moments that Kaneki looked ready to cover his face and curl into a ball. Whatever kind of bullies Kaneki had to deal with certainly did a number.

Once, Hideyoshi asked his mother why Ken remained so quiet, why he feared to break the silence or much less have eyes on him. Another time he asked about what could make the bruises around his friend's neck ("That's an oddly shaped pole to run into"). In the last instance, the glass dishes she meant to place in the cupboard slipped from between her fingers. The shatter had silenced both of them for what felt like hours until the next door neighbor knocked on the door. Even after all the years that past, the memory remained fresh, still bringing his hairs to stand on in for the way her boy grew rigid. That day after explaining the noise to the neighbor, she knelt before him and took his hands in hers, brushing her thumb over his knuckles. "The world is cruel, and sometimes we don't get the playing cards we want." That only left her son confused, curious, and reserved. Never did Hide bring up the subject again about the yellowing skin at his small wrist, wrist so thin the tiniest woman could hold them both in one hand. At the time, Hide's mother had been speaking with his teacher in private which Hide assumed was to speak about him. Only once catching her words years later did he realize they were never discussing him but a different matter entirely.

Pulled from his thoughts at the tug on his shirt, Hide responded, "The one that a ghoul killed?" Ken nodded. "Yah."

"She lived down the road from me. . . When I lived with mom."

Oh. Quickly, Hide sat up, but Kaneki wouldn't look at him. "Were you friends with her?"

"Not -no, n-not really," the boy stuttered then shrugged, "but she brought mom and I baked goods before, . . . sometimes offered to take me to school . . . " So they were acquainted. Now that he thought about it, Hide had probably met her. "Do you think we're safe?"

Pulling Hide from his thoughts, he eyed his friend. "Safe?"

"From ghouls."

"Ah, I think we're fine. I mean, there's only so many ghouls." He wasn't sure just how sensitive Ken was at the time, but based on the fact his friend wouldn't look him, he must have been quite shaken up. "And they wouldn't attack us, knowing it would draw attention."

Nodding, Kaneki asked,"Are you scared of ghouls?"

Hide thought for moment. Of course, he would be scared if ever facing one in a dark alley, but it would be the same way with a human. In the light, Hide figured he would fear neither of them. "No. Do you?" When Kaneki still said nothing, he scooted close enough for their knees to touch. "What's on your mind?"

Ken opened his mouth then shut it. This ritual of waiting for the other to form his words had nearly vanished before Ms. Kaneki's death. If Ken realized the relapse, he never mentioned it. "You can tell me anything, Ken," Hide encouraged. "You know that."

His words jumbled together. "How could someone - anyone - ever live with being a ghoul?"

Hide thought for a moment. "The same reason we're living, I think. We accept the cards handed to us, the good and bad, and make do."

"How do they stay sane?"

This time, he didn't have an explanation. How could he? At his age, the most dramatic thing to happen is for Kayo from homeroom to turn him down a fourth time. He became emotional when she didn't show up the day he planned to first ask her. But a ghoul? He can't wrap his mind around it - their actions and consequences that they face.

"I miss mom."

Nagachika turned back to his friend. "I know." He held his hand out to Ken. "I miss her, too." In an odd way, yes, he did miss her. Though he never knew Ken's mother at the same level, he knew what she meant to Kaneki and how hard he tried to never inconvenience her unlike other children. He saw his eyes light up when he learnt his mother had a day off, then saw the haunted look of Ken's when he ran to the Nagachika household barefoot the day he found her at her lent over her desk with no warmth to her skin.

"Just forget what I said for me."

He always found it amazing how something so little could spring to life a whole new thinking, like a switch activated that turned off some lights and lit others. It was when Nagachika Hideyoshi decided to take on the role of protector, to be the best friend and mother and father and brother that Kaneki lacked. He would never allow Kaneki to look that way again, never let him feel so isolated. The cards that Ken was dealt fell short, the people that should have been there missing and the ones that never should have been sneaking their way into his hand.

But if Hide had to be the ace up his sleeve, then so be it.

"Remember what I told you, after your mom died?"

Though he flinched, just barely, Kaneki nodded. "Forgive and forget?"

"The other part. I told you that you were my best friend, that I didn't want to lose you." Nodding in understanding, Kaneki allowed him to continue. "Let's extend the pack. From now on, not only do we forgive, but we never let one of us feel alone. If you ever feel like this, come talk to me- or don't talk to me, just sit next to me and read your book. When you feel out of place, I'll stand by you. If your angry and need someone to yell at, let it be me, because I can forgive and forget." He reached for Kaneki's hands, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles. "That's our promise to each other."

All was quiet for a long time, the two focused on their hands and the small circles Hide drew with his thumb. How odd that in the darkness of night the two could feel so safe when in a few years the monsters wouldn't remain in the distance observing, but instead just behind them with their hands on these children's shoulders wrenching two souls apart forever. The monsters would take shape of the curious, sneering onlookers of their city, to ghouls and shinigamis with varying degrees of acknowledgement to the pain two boys would suffer.

"Thank you," was all Kaneki said, but it was enough.

Hide could only smile. "Tell me about that girl you were eyeing yesterday, the one with the braids."

* * *

_"You can tell me anything, Ken."_

If only Kaneki truly felt that way, they wouldn't have been in this mess. They would have gotten help for his ghoulishness, ensured that Kaneki would never have to do anything drastic for food, maybe find a way to reverse the surgery before the rest of his body adapted to it. Maybe- no, most definitely- they would never have been separated and grown nearly unrecognizable to each other. If Hide hadn't known that voice down in the sewers, though muffled behind leather, Hide would not have recognized Kaneki.

But it was because he never pushed, didn't express enough that his friend was never a burden, that Kaneki isolated himself.

Hide brushed his thumb over those nails, such a deep maroon that they appeared black in the hospital room's lighting. He wouldn't shy away from Kaneki now, not after everything. By then, Hide understood what his mother felt for his grandmother. There was this pull to block out everything else for that one person if it would make them happy, to make them forget about the suffering and all the bad done to them, to make them feel as comfortable and loved as possible.

As a child, Hide feared the look of his grandmother, how her papery hands shook with her body rejected everything the doctor's offered. Witnessing the shallow rise and fall of Kaneki's chest, Hide completely understood his mother, yet he wish he didn't - it would make it all the less unbearable. Hide never met the woman his mother knew, never knew her obnoxious laugh out of a crowd's, or how she preferred her tea. He never discovered why she didn't like sleeping alone or hated loud noises, or the innocent wishes she made on falling stars. He never knew the way her face lit up when someone mentioned her favorite book, or that she had two left feet but still loved to sway to the music when she thought no one was looking, or her box of mementos beneath her bed filled with pictures of her and Hide, some Hide didn't remember ever taking. . .

But Hide _did_ know about Kaneki Ken. They shared the same locker, same notes, their meals when one forgot. They traded stories and told some of two brothers traveling the world from the deepest pit to the highest mountain once they were old enough. They matched one another's walk, their grins growing when they saw an opportunity for mild mischief, using a language no one else spoke. As the nights grew colder and Kaneki stayed at his house, they shared the same breath beneath the covers, matching their breathing, both soundly asleep knowing the other will still be there in the morning.

Sadly, that promise would break that day- the waking up beside each other. Sooner or later, hands would drag the blonde away by the shoulder and break the two's web of entwined fingers with tears streaming down the boy's face, and the reaper would watch from the side, waiting to claim the sickly boy as his quinque.

Once, it was them against the world with only themselves to lean on. They confided in one another over everything, whether it be about the the girl in class who left notes in their locker or about the conversations they overheard from their mothers. Each knew the other's secrets, their fears and dreams. Only they could see behind the other's layers of decorative masks.

However, those little boys were gone, swept away along with any dreams at the first infliction of reality. It just hit Hide a little later.

* * *

Standing only feet away from a ghoul in the dark sewage line of V14, Hide couldn't help but think about that night in the park. When Kaneki had asked him if he feared ghouls, he answered no. Thinking how things only seemed scary when atmosphere, the lighting, sounds, and constant warnings from parents, is what made it appear fearful. So in fact he didn't find ghouls scary.

Yet no one told him that ghoul had to be the other half of his soul. Nothing can prepare a person when they learn someone close to them has cancer, and nothing could prepare Hide for the warned, nagged, and joked about concept of having to watch someone he loved turn out to be a ghoul. No one told him how to cope, to watch Kaneki isolate himself without feeling as if it were his own fault, learning that a few jokes and hug can't solve the problem- no one told Hide that helplessness would envelope him like a second skin.

Does Nagachika Hideyoshi fear ghouls?

No.

But does he fear a ghoulish Kaneki Ken?

He's terrified.

But he couldn't let that show, not to the boy who he cherished like a brother. He couldn't flinch away at the sickly look to Ken's sweaty, mucked skin. Smiling half-heartedly - why won't his hands quit shaking - Hideyoshi started, "Going by the surrounding feel, and the way they've blocked off routes, there's almost no chance of a ghoul making out." The massacre wouldn't stop until every ghoulish pulse stopped, he knew, not until they drained every ounce of blood from S rated Centipede and the other ghouls of Anteiku.

"That's a nasty wound," he thought aloud. And it was _his_ fault that Kaneki sustained the wound. Hide wasn't there for Kaneki when he chose to face the CCG as Centipede, didn't stop him from mingling with Anteiku or break the deafening silence between the two of them after Kaneki came back from that surgery so long ago. He said nothing as Kaneki drew away, alone again just like after his mother's death, fearing that his best friend would never accept him. He did this to Ken.

" . . . Sorry," Hide whispered as he pulled the ghoul closer, his pulse thumping loudly for he and Ken to hear. I'm _sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msosorry._ Guiding Kaneki to his shoulder, Hide could almost believe he was waiting for the first sob to wrack Ken's small frame, for his nose to nuzzle at the notch between his collarbone and neck like he did after a nightmare. Then Hide would leave pecks at the boy's temple as the crying grew weaker. That's right - all of this is nothing more than a nightmare.

 _This is my fault. I want to stop the hurting, but I can't._ He swallowed down the threatening bile in his throat. "Can you fight for me at full power just one more time?"

Everything him screamed _run_ , his skin crawling where the ghoul touched, the skin sensitive as Kaneki's lips brushed against it. He thought back to the day Kaneki came to his home in tears, how oddly the moment matched it. He brought his hands away from Ken's shoulders and to those bony fingers, hands enfolded, bound together for what Hide assumed the last time with Kaneki Ken.

Like all those other times, Kaneki cried into his neck, except Hide cried along with him. Tears mixed with blood then flesh and saliva. His mind begged for him to fight back, to shove away the teeth and bruising grip that bent his finger back, but he kept still.

At some point, he became numb, or rather just accepting. He almost laughed at the thought. If only his younger self, the one that ran from his grandmother's bedside, could see him now.

* * *

Never could he share this burden with Kaneki. They shared clothes, laughs, tricks, ambitions - but they were together through those things whereas Kaneki was the only ghoul. Hide couldn't understand the drive to eat to the point of murder. Where was Hide when Kaneki learnt that tea made him sick? That his favorite burgers tasted like garbage on his tongue?

What about when Ken disappeared? When Aogiri got a hold him and they strapped him to a chair and relentlessly tore apart his soul and threw away the things that made him Kaneki? His innocence was ripped from him while Hide sat safely behind the CCG chatting up with the investigators hunting for his friend's head when he should have been looking.

Then Kaneki chose cannibalism, feeding on ghouls to get stronger. That night in V14, Hide saw the beginning of a kakuja, a mask formed from a kagune with what looked like a third eye that stared directly at Hide, mocking him. Hide after asked Kaneki to fight the Grim Reaper for his salvation, whether that be death or a fresh start, alone. He did it again. Hide left Kaneki alone to carry a burden on his already too thin shoulders. So much for being the ace up his sleeve. Hide could barely protect himself let alone save a ghoul from the bringer of death.

And before those grey eyes opened Hide would abandon him again, leaving him in the hands of the Reaper where he will endure isolation behind the white walls and horrible light fixtures of the CCG with his only link to something familiar being the same man who cut out those eyes. Hide didn't fit in this story anymore. He already failed enough.

Those grey eyes would never know this crumbling smile and broken eyes, the outgrown bleached hair that led to mom nicknaming him "Sunflower." They would never know the brush of lips at the temples, the promises hummed beside his ear and arms around the other's shoulders so those grey eyes couldn't float away to somewhere he couldn't follow.

No. Nagachika lost that chance the first time he didn't follow.

* * *

Oddly, while laying still in V14 with his hand pressed to his shoulder, Hide didn't dwell on the past few months. Instead, much like how he heard those survivors of terrible incidents describe how their lives past before their eyes, he thought back to his middle school days. If he tried, he could pretend the curve of the underground route was the same curve of the auditorium back when Hide and Kaneki would perform. The few blaring lights were just the spotlights shining painfully like dozens pinpricks.

And above him Kaneki would peer over nagging for them to practice.

In the sanctuary of the theater, Hide thrived. His personality blended well with the other "actors" and easily wooed the teacher for major parts if he wanted to. Oddly, or as some would say, Hide tried out for smaller parts, preferring to stick to the background or work the backstage. Of course, their plays were nothing fantastic, yet it was ingrained into Hide's mind.

Of all the people, the professor chose unassuming Kaneki Ken for a lead role their final year.

Hide couldn't explain it. It was like someone flipped a switch in his friend's personality, as they boy who once hid behind him grew bold and unwavering. His eyes shown bright like he held the world in his hands - but that wasn't his smile. Far from.

From the very beginning Kaneki was very good with mask. It just took Hide some time to figure it out.

Even his voice changed, all his mannerisms gone and the face of someone else mirrored back. In those moments, Kaneki wasn't Kaneki. Though he tripped on some of his words, he recalled his classmates whispering to each other wondering when Kaneki became such a good actor.

If one was to ask Hide, he would answer Kaneki was born with it. It took the play for Hide to realize that Kaneki could mimic almost anything. As children playing together, Kaneki took on the face Nagachika Hidyoshi. The literature teacher who inspired Ken to major in literature led to a change in the boy's mannerisms. His speech became soft and well-thought, but lacking the usual fear.

In V14, Kaneki had put on mask over mask and then another. Layers of lies and growls behind gritted teeth. Cracked knuckles and white hair specked with blood. But this time, Hide knew those eyes.

If he closed his own eyes, he could pretend he was still with Kaneki after the performance and the cast cleaned up. Long after the people cheered and complimented on the children's developing skills did Ken and Hide caught their breath. Only the backstage lights were on as the two laid down at center stage. Yah. He remembered the wooden floors as the two laid there and the faint breath from the boy beside him while the drama teacher did his final sweep through, cleaning and talking with staff. They talked about Kimizuki's singing and the one kid who nearly fell while as the tree. Laughing at their own minimal mistakes, applauding the other's confidence, they enjoyed the other's company until finally the teachers kicked them out.

Hide could close his eyes pretending that they were still there safe beneath the auditorium ceiling. Funny. Hide didn't remember seeing angels in the rafters, the one's from his dream that flew above the golden gates. The crossing bars holding spotlights that shown directly at Ken and Hide were scanty copies of Hide's image. But when he closed his eyes, the angels song, using the trumpets, played softly. Was a track or two that had trumpets in them? Like a lullaby?

Sooner or later Ken would shout for him to hurry, running through the gates and expecting Hide to chase him like they did on the playground.

_Tag, you're it. Tag, you're it. Tag, you're. . ._

But for now, Hide would sleep, lost in old memories mixed with fantasy.

* * *

A short month into their first year at Kamii, Hide could remember that ecstasy at the thought of the two escaping somewhere far and unreachable. While there no one knew who they were, their status, or their troubles. They could be someone else behind their sunglasses and sandals like the did as kids again, play pretend with even their mothers playing along. Neither would have to worry about the student loans or class load that hung over them, or that fear that Kaneki's aunt would make an appearance at his apartment. For some time, the two had discussed funds and scholarship winnings along with travel destinations. With the right means, the two could pull together enough money for a week long trip, long enough for Kaneki to escape.

Hide managed the financial portion, making promises and deals with old friends even willing talk with Kamii's study abroad center if it came down to it. As for Kaneki, he searched for vacation spots including hotels, sights, and activities. At the simple taps of their keyboards, the two made good progress while hidden away in Ken's apartment. Hide laid on his stomach across his friend's bed while Ken sat where the mattress met the wall, his back against the wall and his legs rested over Hide's back.

With hesitant finger strokes at the touch pads, articles flown over the screen until eyes locked on to a peculiar entry.

"Oh."

"What is it, Kaneki?"

"They never tell you these kind of things as a kid."

Perking up from his own laptop, Hide asked, "What, that San Francisco isn't white pearly streets? That the Golden Gate really isn't that big?"

"No, it's still pretty big. And Tall."

"Then what?"

"Did you know the Golden Gate has the second highest suicide rate?"

* * *

Of course God isn't so merciful, so Hide woke with everything in tacked except his shoulder. He would never escape his memories, the self-loathing and shockingly clear images of the blood smeared on his hands. He would still grow sick when he remembered the stench of V14, or the sound of cracked knuckles. Hide would cry again and again while rereading Ken's favorite books or remembering the box of photos that now sit beneath his bed in their same box. He would wake up from dreams of close calls with ghouls while trying to find his friend. Sometimes Kaneki was among those that chased him.

For the rest of his life, Nagachika Hideyoshi would remember that breath-taking laugh, the one that turned heads in a cafe it was so obnoxiously loud. And Hide would laugh with him just as strong. There would always be the jokes and shy smiles, those careful, innocent eyes that sought for purpose. Of all the people in the world, Hide would remember all the things that made Kaneki _Kaneki_. And only he fully felt the loss.

After everything, the good and bad and utter ugly, Hide selfishly wished he could forget. He wanted to forget those longs nights where full breaths escaped him, and he fear dying in his sleep. He wanted the manifestations of his wandering mind, the masked Kaneki and Jason, the Binge Eater and the Shinigami, to stop. He would wake with the pain in his shoulder doubled as he curled around himself calling someone only to remember the _completely alone_ part of his life. Kaneki wouldn't hear him from the adjacent apartment anymore. His hands reeked of blood no matter how many times he washed them. At the sound of an insect and its little legs he swore _something_ was beneath his skin, that centipede kakuja burrowing behind his eyes, cutting through them (It took hours for him to calm down after seeing the result of Kaneki's run-in with the Shinigami). For hours and hours, he clawed and scratched, his eyes unfocused as he recalled the reports of Centipede and his half kakuja. Hide was right; Jason had tortured him.

Selfish. Selfishselfishselfish. It took so little to bring him to his knees, lost in his head and fears, feel foreign in his own skin.

So selfish. In spite of the good he had witnessed, Hide wanted to forget it all if it meant peace, a quiet mind. Of course, he would never have the option.

One should always carry the burden; That was the pack they made.

After all, Hide never was the lead to this story.

As for Kaneki, he deserved this salvation. If the little that Hide had seen and done left him itching, Kaneki must feel foreign in his own body. Sleepless and haunted, trembling and twisting as his own body rejected the little bit of humanity he clung to, Kaneki didn't get the chance to be alone if the murmurs of "Yamori" and "Rize" in his drugged sleep were anything to consider. Hide never experience the other end of that first week of Kaneki missing just before the raid on those warehouses at which the CCG found infamous Jason of the 13th ward dead and his victim long gone. Hide never ate people, people who scream and plead, who are missed by those close to them, just to become strong enough to protect his own. What would that do to someone's mind? Rather than reject his new body, the kagune and the hunger that came with it, he used it to his advantage to protect others, like Hide and those of Anteiku.

He protected Hde, someone he thought would call him disgusting for his new body.

That's why Hide couldn't forget. He owed this to Kaneki. Like all those times before, one would remember as the other forgave and moved on, never judging one for their sins. As Ken fought and isolated himself in fear of losing everything, Hideyoshi did nothing. That was his sin.

One never forgets their sins.

His negligence, his silence and sloth is what brought the two together far too late in V14 and to this CCG-ran hospital where their time together dwindled and Hide only shook all the more violently in his seat as his eyes stung.

He wondered, if he had told his mother everything before her untimely death, would she still have loved him?

Holding tightly to the papery skin-covered hand, Hide apologized. For what, he did not know, but it seemed right.

"I can't- _won't_ \- forget, okay? I won't." He was after all the only person who knew the other half of the story, about those long nights when Kaneki escaped the voices in his dreams and found comfort in Hide's. Only Hide watched as Ms. Kaneki's death drove Ken to relapse, becoming quiet and cautious of sound, touch, the unknown. Only he saw past the dozens of mask, the fake smiles and deflections of questions Ken didn't like.

But there was good too that would be missed, like the dreams of reaching America and living together after college, or the jokes and teasing that inspired the other to act more daring. The two could smile at the other's mistakes and make promises and share secrets no one else knew in full confidence. Hide didn't think he could trust someone as much as Kaneki.

"So here's my final promise to you. I won't forget you." _I won't forget the good and bad. The laughs and tears and anger and promises and daydreams. "_ I won't forget what I put you through, because none of it was your fault." The words hitched in his throat. _If I had said something, none of this would have happened._ Hide loves superhero movies. The kind where no matter the odds or the mistakes made, everyone came out okay. But that's not how the real world works. For so long Hide tried to build it, forming a wishful dream so Kaneki might smile. Funny how his ignorance only backfired. "For once, let me remember-. . . remember everything." If these words came from Kaneki, Touka would surely have punched him by then. He wouldn't forget their friendship either, the one Kaneki had with Anteiku's employees. He laughed at the cliche speech, but that didn't make it mean any less to him.

_I'll remember for the both of us._

"So forget for me, Kaneki-" He stopped midway, and laughed. Actually laughed. Because this wasn't his Kaneki anymore. No, this whole time he had been speaking to not his Kaneki, not the one who knew Hide's greatest and darkest moments, but the one that was Kaneki's salvation. "Sasaki Haise. I'll do the bearing from now on." His body shook violently in contrast to the still body before him. A pudgy, warm hand brought the papery hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles. It's not as though it would matter. These soft touches and soothing words went on deaf ears, but Hide could pretend, at least for a little longer.

He kissed the sleeping boy's temple before rising from his chair. At the same moment, the door opened with the fair Shinigami waiting on the other side with eyes that never revealed any emotion. If not for the stories, Hide would think him an angel.

So, this was goodbye. Maybe they would meet again in the next life.

He left the room with his head down, ashamed of the tears that poured down his cheeks, but he didn't make a sound. He didn't look back- no, he couldn't without losing himself.

That is why he missed the faint twitch of the boy's hand, seeking for the lost warmth.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my files for a long time with me only working on it in small time frames (with tons of internet connection issues and even a laptop switch in the middle of all of this), but I am very happy to share it. It's been a while since I've posted anything, so I wanted to make this special.
> 
> Before anyone says it, yes, I know this goes against some of the recent information given to us by Ishida, but I'm determined that in order to fulfill the overall theme the way I wanted, some things had to be interpreted in a certain way, like Hide's relationship with his mother/father and his "averageness".
> 
> I first wrote a 1,000 word explanation to everything that happened in this one-shot but realized after a day or so that I don't need to explain. This is open to interpretation/discussion, and it is not up to me to decide. I will however cover some of the serious relatable portions such as the abuse and death. Keeping in mind that in this one-shot that Hide comes from a good household with seemingly loving parents, Hide would not have a reason to believe that a mother would abuse her child, nor would he really understand what the signs were. Therefore, Hide, though being perceptive, did not connect the dots until later on simply because he didn't know what he should be looking for. Domestic abuse is not something to be taken lightly, and it was not in my intentions to make it seem that Hide was choosing not to report it; he really didn't know what to think of Kaneki's physical and emotional afflictions or what to do about it. Also, Mrs. Nagachika's silence is a sad reality that we live with which, once again, was not okay. However, people are flawed, and some justify that it is easier to let it prolong since reporting would mean, in this situation, that Kaneki would go to his allegedly money-troubled aunt and/or be put in the system where Kaneki would be taken out of school and likely sent to a different city. Of course, people are also just very good at justifying a situation so as to not step in and get their hands dirty, but I think I've gone long enough on this subject. Moving onto Hide's perception of his grandmother's death (and even Ms. Kaneki's), once more it is not meant to be inconsiderate but rather a child's interpretation. As a child, he wouldn't understand that his grandmother is very sick and that she was not always like that either. He would also not understand how that would effect the people around him (this also helps explain why Hide didn't put two and two together for why kaneki relapsed). Overall, tons of stuff is going on, and I've never written a (study?) one-shot at this length or depth. But still, I enjoyed it
> 
> Please, please leave a review/comment! Tell me if you enjoyed it, if something stuck out to you, your favorite one-liner, connection, etc. Feel free to point out major errors/mistakes, too. There's only so many times I can reread this before I just glance over errors. There is sure to be tons, so I will go through it again on a later date, but if you spot any now, it would be a great help for you to tell me.
> 
> Check out "Amnesiac" on my profile, too! I'll be finishing that up hopefully soon!


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